5 Truths about the Pain of (Parent) Loss
Next week is the anniversary of the death of my father. October 26th will mark 27 years without my dad. (My mom has been gone almost 32 years!) Wow, twenty-seven years. Just writing it causes a twinge of fresh sadness in my heart. To be honest, even though I am a grown woman with children of my own, I still need parenting! My daughters need “grand-parenting”. My mom died 9 years before my first daughter was born. Ugh.
We all have stories of loss, don’t we?
We cannot escape the pain of loss. It is in us and around us. Earlier this year I gathered with others around a family whose 22-year-old son died tragically in a car accident. Last month I spent time comforting a friend whose father had just died, and another girl whose dad had abandoned their family, and a fiancé who just left her. We cannot escape the pain of loss but there are truths we can remember that can help us navigate our pain. Here are five:
There is no “ok” time to lose your mom or your dad (or anyone for that matter). If your parent dies and is older, it is still a significant loss! I’ve heard people diminish their own grief with a disclaimer of age. Please don’t ever diminish your own grief.
Losing someone isn’t something you get over, it is something you get through. I’m 32 years in with grieving the loss of my mom and I’m certainly not “over” it. However, I am navigating well through it. Picture your grief like a mountain in front of you. You can’t go around it but you can find the tools to be a mountain climber.
Parent loss (any loss) isn’t always marked by physical death. My mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s, we are losing her a little every day. Loss is not always marked by physical death and the grieving process, while similar, is complicated.
Time doesn’t heal the pain of loss, but it helps. I will always feel the pain of the loss of my mom and dad, but time does lessen its intensity. I believe it will for you as well.
The tension between the reality of pain and the hope of eternity’s promise is real. We need to become a people who can hold this tension. The Spirit of God has been a very real Comforter to me in my many losses and yet I still felt the pain of those losses deeply. It is and always will be a “both/and”.
If you are experiencing pain that is fresh from a recent loss, I am so sorry for your pain. I am so sorry for your loss. Give yourself grace and space for taking time to be present with your pain. Identify those friends in your life who will sit with you and let you process your feelings and reflect on your memories.
There is day coming when there will be no more pain, no more sadness, no more loss or loneliness, tears or tragedy. Today is not that day but oh, what a day it will be!
Written by Kaye Hurta