Will Carry Her Casket?
The first funeral I ever attended was for my grandpa. It was in a small town in Michigan. I was 6. For nearly 57 years now I have attended or participated in countless others — aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, my mom, my dad.
Perhaps you have attended a few yourself. If so, you may have noticed the 6 people, usually dear friends, assigned as pallbearers. Their role is to carry the casket from the service to the hearse and again to the graveside. In doing so, they are symbolically carrying the weight of the pain of the loss for the family.
The term pallbearer has an interesting origin. A “pall” is a heavy cloth draped over a coffin — a pallbearer is someone who bears the coffin which the pall covers.
Scripture invites us all to be pallbearers.
Galatians 6: 2 says this, “Carry one another’s burdens; in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (CSB) The context of this verse is set against the backdrop of those trapped by the pain of sin. However, Romans 15:1 extends that obligation, “Now we who are strong have an obligation to bear the weaknesses of those without strength, and not to please ourselves.” (CSB)
One thing I have learned in my ministry years is this: women (all people, really) carry enormous amounts of pain. Pain from sin committed by them and sin committed against them. Pain from addictions, broken relationships, rejection, betrayal, abuse, and the list goes on.
Pain causes the soil of our souls to be wounded and the enemy (counterfeiter that he is) loves to plant seeds in our wounded soil. We are seeing the fruit grown from these plantings — unforgiveness, bitterness, unbelief, doubt, despair, depression, apathy, shame, suicidal thoughts, and more. A heavy weight is draped over what seems dead in their lives, this weight is usually called shame and self-contempt. We need pallbearers.
Let’s decide today to take back what the enemy has stolen. Let’s fight for one another and carry one another’s burdens.
Here are 5 simple ways you can help someone in pain:
1. Show up. When someone you know is in pain or in a crisis, show up. Show up not for the purpose of sharing or teaching, but just to be present with them in their pain.
2. Ask questions. When they are ready, invite them to go deeper into their story, ask clarifying questions. And when they begin to share . . .
3. Listen. Really, listen. Don’t solve or fix. Listen to what they are saying and let that be enough. If your follow up response is, “You need to . . . ," stop yourself. Instead, respond to what you are hearing and the emotion behind it. Sometimes only 2 words are needed as a follow-up, “I’m sorry”.
4. Suspend Judgment. Regardless of what you hear, suspend judgment and refrain from making critical opinion statements. Resist the urge to turn the conversation to yourself — even if you have a relatable anecdote. Be generous of spirit in the way you listen. Be vulnerable and willing to understand the story behind the words of the other. Suspending judgment does not mean you have to be in agreement with their statements — it simply means you are willing to let them be heard and respect their humanity.
5. Maintain eye contact. It sounds simple and obvious but really, how many times has someone asked you a question and just as you were answering, they looked away at something or someone else? Listening involves looking. Listen not only to their words but their body language as well. Are they tense, relaxed, exhausted, fearful, anxious? These are all clues and cues to help you with number 2 -asking questions.
If we get this right, if we listen well and carry the pain of others we become part of their healing instead of their wounding. When we do this well we extend the heart of Christ in the ministry of binding up the brokenhearted. When we do this well we create a unique and long lasting connection in the community we’re striving to create.
Maybe, just maybe by carrying someone’s pain we give their souls space to breathe and believe again in Jesus who came to rescue, redeem, and restore — one story at a time.
Will you carry her casket?
Written by Kaye Hurta