Helping a Child Through Grief
My friend and her mother had a special bond. Not only was her mom her friend and champion, her mom was also an intentional and loving grandma to two precious granddaughters.
Sadly, my friend lost her mom suddenly to a heart attack.
Several months after her mom’s passing, her daughter was in her room and was uncharacteristically disrespectful to her mom. An argument began and intensified to the point that they both were on the floor, both emotionally exhausted.
Out of seemingly nowhere, my friend’s little girl began to cry a deep, soulful cry, and exclaimed that she missed her grandma. My friend realized that her child’s behaviors were directly linked to her inability to process the loss of her grandma.
When a child encounters loss, whether it's the death of a loved one, a divorce, or another significant change, the repercussions can be profound and long-lasting. Grief impacts children in intricate ways. In this blog, I hope to help you have a better understanding of what your child is going through and how to support them through their grief.
For children, the emotional impact of grief can be overwhelming and confusing. They may experience various emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, fear, and even relief. These emotions may manifest differently depending on the child's age, personality, and the nature of the loss. Younger children might struggle to articulate their feelings, while older children may express them more directly.
One of the primary challenges for children dealing with grief is understanding and processing their emotions. They may feel a sense of abandonment, especially if the loss involves the death of a loved one. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and anxiety about the future. Children may also experience intense sadness and longing for the person they've lost, which can be particularly acute during significant milestones or events.
Moreover, children often internalize their emotions, leading to a sense of isolation and loneliness. They may believe that they're the only ones experiencing such intense feelings or that others won't understand what they're going through. This can hinder their ability to seek support and express their needs, exacerbating their sense of distress.
In addition to the emotional toll, grief can also affect a child's cognitive functioning. Children dealing with loss may struggle to concentrate, remember things, and make decisions. Their academic performance may decline, and they may lose interest in activities they once enjoyed. This can be attributed to the overwhelming nature of grief, which consumes their mental energy and makes it difficult to focus on other tasks.
Furthermore, grief can disrupt a child's sense of identity and worldview. They may question their beliefs and values, especially if the loss challenges their understanding of life and death. For example, a child who loses a loved one suddenly may struggle to reconcile their belief in a fair and just world with the randomness of the loss.
Grief often manifests in behavioral changes in children, which can be challenging for parents to navigate. Some children may become withdrawn and socially isolated, preferring to be alone with their thoughts and feelings. Like my friend’s child, they may act out and attempt to cope with their emotions, exhibiting anger, defiance, or aggression. These behavioral changes can strain relationships with family members.
Moreover, children may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms as a way to numb their pain or distract themselves from their grief. This could include engaging in risky behaviors, such as substance abuse, self-harm, or reckless activities. Left unchecked, these coping mechanisms can have serious consequences for the child's physical and emotional well-being.
Given the profound impact of grief on children, it's essential to provide them with the support and resources they need to navigate the grieving process effectively.
Here are a few ideas for supporting children through grief:
Encourage open communication: Create a safe and supportive environment where children feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings about the loss. Listen actively and validate their emotions, letting them know that it's okay to grieve in their way and at their own pace. If your child is young and doesn’t have the emotional skills to process their grief, you can help your young child process their grief through the use of art. Ask them to paint what they are feeling.
Provide age-appropriate information: Be honest and transparent when discussing the loss with children, using language and concepts they can understand. Avoid euphemisms or vague explanations, as they can lead to confusion and anxiety. Some great books on grief are written specifically for children.
Maintain routines and structure: Establishing consistency and predictability in children's daily lives can provide a sense of stability and security during times of upheaval. Stick to regular routines as much as possible, including mealtimes, bedtime, and school schedules.
Offer reassurance and comfort: Reassure children that they're not alone in their grief and that you're there to support them every step of the way. Offer physical affection, such as hugs and cuddles, to provide comfort and reassurance during moments of distress.
Seek professional help if needed: If a child's grief is significantly impacting their daily functioning or mental health, consider seeking support from a qualified therapist or counselor. Therapy can provide children with coping skills, emotional support, and a safe space to process their grief healthily.
As parents we want to rescue our children from pain, but with grief, we can’t fix it, but we can help them navigate through the sadness. As painful as grief is, grief can teach a child that they can endure hard things. If you and your family have experienced or are experiencing grief, we at Blue Stone Coaching are deeply sorry for your loss.
With Support and Encouragement,
Julia Mateer